Today marked an important date in Claudine’s calendar, she decided to throw away her diary written over the past one year. At first, she thought she wanted to shred it, burn it, and bury it, she does not even want to look at what had been written, she want to remove this part of memory in her life, for it is too painful to recall.
While she walked out the door, she hold back on second thought. “Do I want to leave this part of my life empty? Should I just look at it one last time before I thrash it? Or should I gain independent from the past memory colonial in conjunction with the Merdeka Day?” She is not crazy yet since she could still have some sense of humor.
The first line on Claudine’s diary read like this: Is it pathetic if I do not have to go ahead for the fear of losing it one day? She remembers clearly that was the time she met Robbie, Robbie had touched her heart since the very beginning, he is decent, smart and humorous. Claudine never thought they would eventually end up together, she kept telling herself not to fall in love again, at least for a six month time.
For a few months, Claudine was not very sure of her feeling, has she allowed him to get too close to her, has she fooled herself to open up herself to the risk of being hurt again. She strongly resisted any body contact in anyway with Robbie, not even to look at her in a close distance. The first time he tried to hold her, she ran away like a few kilometers away bare footed on the beach.
Then they had their first fight on Claudine’s birthday, she asked for three days break to cool down. For a moment of time, she really thought Robbie is hurting her more than loving her, or like they always like to say it “love hurts”. But Claudine was surprised herself why she did not write anything about Robbie’s confession to her; that was the sweetest memory she had of him. But also with the superb absent minded, she suspect Robbie would not even remembered what had he said now.
She struggled when Tom, Dick and Harry also had bad comments about Robbie being playful and childish. She wanted him to come back to proven them wrong, and at the same time she was putting a bet with her own trust, she was so afraid that the whole world was right and she was the last one to find out, but it was too late, for she was already in love.
As Claudine read through her diary, she began to feel more and more reluctant to destroy the diary, she wants to keep this memory and read when she is in her seventies or eighties, when she has forgotten how was is like to be in love.
Robbie had tried not only once, but several times to read her diary when she bathed. He claimed that her diary does not look like an diary, and it was exposed with no lock at all for the first time, but the second time he said Claudine did not hide it after the first time and it was still in the same place.
After reading one two pages of the diary, he even made a conclusion through his observation. Claudine only write diary when she was upset, he could tell from the hand writing: anger, frustration and helpless. Yes, Claudine was not an articulate person, she used to hide her feeling and let her emotion burst when she can’t hold it anymore.
Claudine tore the diary apart after taking a deep deep breath, there are things hat should go with the ashes and there are things she should look at the present and appreciate what she already has.