无语（2）

今天和另外两个女人聊天，他们都在喝Collagen饮料。女人C觉得自己不够伟大，想要提升自己的CUP数，女人D生了小孩觉得咪咪下垂，想要再次坚挺起来。大佬，他们喝的可是Kinohimitsu的 Collagen，市场上最贵，每盒12瓶一百多块钱，一个月要喝三百块，一年总共三千六百块马币。我瞪大眼睛问“真的有必要吗？”两个女人不约而同的说“当然！”这些钱不能省，女人一定要保养，这是长期投资。

突然间，我觉得当女人真的好命苦。男人嘛，来来去去就是女人和钱，泽的世界就很简单，他认为只要自己做好本分，赚钱养家就完成责任了。可是女人，你看女人。。那天女人A就完完全全把女人的心声诠释出来，她说“我知道我老公赚钱很辛苦，可是我工作也很累啊。除了平时上班，还要回来做家务，还要管理财政，还要照顾家婆，还要计划未来，还要准备生小孩，生完还要照顾小孩，同时又要给家用，我一个人可以担当多少事情啊。”

那天在报纸看到一篇文章，作者说在她的奶奶得年代，爷爷在外工作，奶奶在内持家。就算爷爷回到家里什么都不管整个大爷样摊在沙发，奶奶还是默默给他倒茶。就算爷爷晚上睡觉呼噜大声大声的，奶奶也没有埋怨半句，就这样他们平平谈谈过了大半辈子。

到了作者妈妈的年代，爸爸在外工作，妈妈也在外工作。爸爸回到家里也是什么都不管整个大爷摊在沙发，奶奶也是默默给他倒茶。就算爷爷晚上睡觉大声大声的，妈妈也没有埋怨半句，但是几十年后，妈妈拉着行李离开了他们的家。（故事情节应该就是这样，我没有专心去看，反正因为什么事情妈妈就走了，你们自己想象吧）。

至于作者的婚姻，比爷爷比妈妈的都来的短，好像结婚十年八年就离婚了。是因为女人越来越有自主权，还是女人的忍让限度越来越低。上帝创造的婚姻是否就是男人为一家之主，女人在背后默默付出，默默支持？现在甚至看到有些婚姻是女人在外工作赚钱，男人在家煲汤煮饭。最幸福的家庭挺多就是男人女人一起工作，家公家婆在家照顾小孩。什么时候开始，照顾小孩竟然成为爷爷奶奶的责任？以后的年代是不是自己小孩不用照顾，等到他们长大成人，有了子孙，我们退休的时候才开始学习照顾小孩？

一个Collagen竟然可以扯到那么遥远，我还真是多愁善感。昨天刚刚看完王晶的电影“猛男滚死队”，虽然确实是一部难得的无厘头戏剧。但是剧情说得好像所有结婚的男人都会出去“滚”，没有一个可以幸免。但是聪明的女人不会把自己辛辛苦苦建立起来的婚姻白白送给外面的女人，所以选择原谅，选择接受。这，是前卫的思想？还是社会的腐败？无知少男少女看完这不电影还会认为婚姻是神圣的吗？无语~

无语

昨天分别和两个女人聊天，女人A每天工作到晚上十点，周末天天还回办公室加班但是她觉得生活充满挑战，甚至说我工作不是为钱，我要学习上进，终有一天我可以当成somebody。女人B也每天工作到晚上十点，周末还要带作业回家继续加班，有时甚至临晨三点钟起床开始写报告，否则工作永远做不完，但是她说我很想死啊，主管每天都在鸡蛋里挑骨头，我快撑不下去了。

两个女人都是我的好朋友，两个女人都不自觉的给我增加压力。笨蛋！我就是神经质，人家和我分享、分担我都可以高兴或者伤心到睡不着。女人A让我羡慕，每次见面她都有很多事业上的成就和我分享，我们是旧公司的同事，差不多同样时间离开，但是她很清楚自己的方向，加入每家公司都有周详的计划，每个工作经验都给自己加分，每个老板都非常欣赏她直接了当的工作作风。看到她的成长让我自己觉得惭愧，为什么自己一点奋斗心都没有，什么作战能力也没有，十年后难道还在同样的岗位做同样的事情。。无语

女人B让我心痛，认识她这么旧都不知道原来她在工作上背负这么大的压力，正确来说是我不知道原来女人B竟然是那么纯洁心底善良的小女孩。我一直以为她在大企业工作，见惯大场面，认识很多人，肯定把自己磨练得非常圆滑。对，她一直以来就是很会说话，很讨人欢心的女孩。但是今天她说她为了不让同事的主管知晓同事办事出错，而私低下帮忙反而被自己的主管责备。我可以体谅各个企业有一套的工作方式，主管对下属也有明确的指标，但是女人A竟然说我不能埋没我的良心，为了保护自己而伤害别人啊。又不是伤天害理的事，说到底还得对现实低头，为两餐而已嘛。面对她的处境，我也是。。无语

离婚

本来想上网看看在网路上可以找到什么挽救婚姻的方法，最近有两个女性朋友都告诉我她们有离婚的想法。虽然我并不是什么心灵辅导师，也不是什么婚姻专家，可是我觉得一个人在胡思乱想的时候是绝对非常需要一个善意乐观的朋友在身边鼓励开导，否则真的很容易就会想歪头脑，做错决定，后悔莫及。

我知道婚姻是两个人的事，也知道我并不能够做些什么。可是我真的在想，婚姻真的那么脆弱吗？其中一个朋友已经开始搜集关于离婚的资源，相关手续等等。你知道在马来西亚需要结婚至少两年才可以申请离婚吗？如果两年内申请离婚，你必须经过婚姻辅导课程证明两人的感情真的无法挽留法庭才会受理的。

我假装镇定，告诉这位朋友请不要去想如何离婚，请先去想如何挽留这段婚姻。毕竟新婚一两年，可能两人的生活还没有磨合，或者两人的目标还没有确定，或者两人的心态还没有调整，反正怎么样都好一定要大家一起努力过，争取过，千万不要轻易放弃。她知道，所以她给另一半多一次机会，可能是最后一次机会。

虽然马来西亚的离婚率不想西方国家的那么高：美国（51％），澳洲（49％）， 加拿大（49％），德国（44％）。天啊，你可以想像在美国离婚率竟然是51％，根本就是在赌大小，机率一半，我看报道意大利甚至有离婚展览，为大家提供离婚手续或相关的服务。是社会发达的错，还是道德不值钱，还是婚姻失去原有的意义？

同时在网上看到一本书《女人不狠，地位不稳》，里面叫现代女性如何变成三不女人，来保持婚姻的新鲜度。也有其他网站评论，这个三不原理，正好抓住男人的犯贱心理，所以很管用。我真的太天真了，婚姻竟然要有这么多谋算，计划，抓心理，使诡计，婚姻是那么黑暗的吗？白痴的我还以为真诚，坦白，互相体谅，互相尊重就可以了喔。

不过这本书说的一点很真，就是很多女人在婚姻中变成保姆（我觉得我绝对对跌入这个陷阱的其中一人）。为了爱老公，爱小孩，忘了爱自己，结婚几年，老公还容光焕发，做老婆的却看起来像老了十年二十年。圣经不是说过爱是凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐，爱是永不止息。难道爱还要算过度过给多少刚好，给多少太多。

想到这里我有点迷路的感觉。。

结婚一年的遐想

结婚周年纪念那一天，我问泽“老公，为什么我们现在没有以前那么恩爱了呢？才一年，我感觉好像完全没有激情了喔。”泽理所当然的回答我说“亲爱的，事实是这样。从前我们都用Heart在思考，不用考虑现实，只是每天很想见面，所以什么疯狂的事情都做得出；现在呢，我们已经学会用Brain思考，不用什么罗曼蒂克，只是踏实的过日子，所以什么事情都要分轻重。”

虽然听了感觉有点不爽，可是泽说得好像也很有道理。以前那种心跳脸红的感觉已经很久没有出现过，以前那种展转难眠的日子也没有机会尝试了。可是这一年来我们更认识对方，更认识自己，能够容纳各自的生活习惯，能够接受各自的生活要求，更重要的事，这一年来我们深深体会到“爱，不只是feeling而已”。Feeling可以让我们生气，寂寞，冲动，愤怒，失落，内疚，后悔，可是Love可以让我们从容面对生活里的一切喜怒哀乐。

回想起刚开始那几个月，我们很久都没有睡过一顿好觉，要不就是半夜起来抢被子，要不就是被推到床边快掉下来，有时候甚至生气到开灯拿电话把对方烂睡的样子拍下来，明早睡醒再来投诉。同时我也体会到不同家庭的Culture Shock，哈？为什么你的爸爸妈妈可以为孩子打理所有大小事务？哈？为什么所有活动都必须全家大小一定参与？哈？为什么有事没事都要打电话给外婆报告？

现在想起来，我们结婚第一年真的可以分成几个阶段来Bench Mark，第一部分就是“惊吓期”，接下来第二部分就是“接受期”。相处几个月以后，我们逐渐找到适应对方的生活方式。泽不用专门迁就我提早睡觉（我是个极度喜欢睡觉的动物），我也可以在他踢球的周末打扫房间，做作运动。家庭成员的参与，家庭活动的安排，我也开始接受这种我以为电视剧里才有的亲密关系（我是个极度享受自闭的人类）。

第三部分也分类为“惊吓期”，可是这次的惊吓比第一次的惊吓更为恐怖。相处整年下来，我们竟然发觉自己有了对方的DNA。从前喜欢事事预先计划，做事井井有条的我，竟然发现星期天醒来，对周末完全没有规划，到时候想做什么就做什么吧。从前喜欢东西乱丢，无时无刻找不到房间里东西的泽，竟然在当我找不到我的相机的时候，告诉我相机这种电子产品我们一般收在右手边第一个柜子，第二个抽屉。什么嘛？！！？！

到了现在，我们是夫妻的事实已经渐渐sink in在我们的脑海，我们的生活，我们的identity。虽然我们每天还是像欢喜冤家一样喜欢弄对方生气，又喜欢得到对方的欢心，有时候假装第一次约会，有时候假装老板和秘书（其实我们的家就是我们一起创立的企业，有时候还有股东大会，业绩汇报，婚姻就像一盆生意，也要花功夫去投资，花心机去经营，更要花时间去看待）。

虽然我们还没有正式有自己的狗窝，自己的小孩，可是我相信，这条路，只要一直走下去。我们会继续成长，我们会更了解自己，更体会别人。希望一年后的今天我还有时间去遐想，呵呵。希望我到时候不会变成黄脸婆，老太婆。。

R&D Wedding (3)

今天的心情非常沉重，两年前我听到好友的结婚消息，兴奋得开始我人生第一个部落格，还清楚记得当天晚上我们在家乡那一间mamak档，吃maggi goreng，喝milo ais。。。

两年后的昨天，R告诉我她竟然需要把我写的部落格打印出来，提醒自己当初为什么会嫁给身边这个男人。是多么可悲的景象！我第一个反应“你是不是PMS？肯定是荷尔蒙影响你的情绪，你在胡思乱想！”不是，还早呢。。

“不是？！那就是side effect，是你最近失眠看医生吃的药影响你的情绪？”不是，这个事情不是突然间发现的事实，是两年来累积验证的结果。我发觉我已经不爱这个男人了。我甚至可以坚决的告诉他“我不爱你了，我要离开你了。”

“可是，我上一次见到你，你还想和他生个宝宝？你不是这个样子的！”之前是因为身边亲朋戚友给我很多压力，我一时没有搞清楚状况，看到别人有自己也想有。现在的我，根本没有信心，完全不想和这个男人建立自己的家庭。

我开始感觉到头很晕，心很慌。爱情，真的只是一种感觉？爱情过去的时候，婚姻也要一起消失吗? 虽然说婚姻是一个承诺，可是为了遵守一个承诺，要逼自己面对一个不爱的人一辈子吗？我还真的愣了一下。

无论我怎么说，R总有她的理由、她的解释，反正满脑海浬来来去去只有几句话“我怕不爱他！”，“我不开心！”“我要离开！”我尝试很客观的告诉她，婚姻是需要用心去经营，天下没有完美的爱情，每个家庭都有自己的问题，每个人在爱情里都要付出，不能轻易说放弃就放弃。

我以为这种场面只有电视剧里才有，我真的不知道要怎么开导我最亲爱的朋友，可是我希望R能够好好看清楚自己，看清楚这段婚姻，给自己和D一个机会，好好努力过，尝试过，不要仓促做决定。离婚，并不代表潇洒，也不代表解脱。

当然，我想看到的结局是过两天R可以告诉我真的是PMS，或者是副作用，甚至妄想症。然后又开始幸福的煮饭给老公吃，好好做一个贤良淑得得好老婆。对，我感觉就是这样，一个人独自抑郁太久，就会自己钻牛角尖，明明一粒小黑豆，看起来像大巨石一样。只要把小黑头放长距离去看，很快就会发觉去除了眼前得小黑头，世界竟然如此美好。

How to get your man listen to you

I do not know about you, but I’ve been taught that men and women think, speak and response differently since young. My brother bought me the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” when I was eighteen, although I didn’t quite understand it, I am subscribed to the idea that even our brains are wired differently.

Tzeh and I argued about this issue many times before, he doesn’t understand why I cannot speak up when I am angry, I do not understand why he can walk away when I am angry. I’ve been trying to tell him that I am not a man; hence I do not behave in accordance to his logical mind. So I decided to do a search online to come out with some facts and statistics to support my argument.

I was happy that I found an article entitled “Men and Women are Hard Wired Differently and respond differently”. It reads something like this ‘We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in [the way] we react and behave when we love someone.’ Of course I myself fall into the same trap but I was trying to make him understand that I am not a man!!!

Then I continue to search and I found another article “How to Communicate Effectively with Husbands” and I laughed when I saw “Women talk too much and men don’t listen enough. This is an age-old problem that seems to have no real solutions” This is never a problem for me because Tzeh is the one doing all the talking and I am the one waiting for the conclusion while he dwell on and on with the details. I teased him and asked “Did you not learn summary in school before?”

In the midst of all this, I feel pathetic for myself that why on earth do I have to try to understand man? Has he ever made the same efforts try to understand me as well? The more in understand him, the more I gave in to make him feel better, but I also wish one day that he come to me and says “ Today I learn that women are like this like that, I understand now why you do this and that, and I will try to be this and that.. ”Dream on girl, dream on...

Anyway, criticism and sarcasms do not help man to listen, so here are some tips for the women to talk in ways that will get their men to listen (see, women are always too caring and understanding to burden ourselves to learn how to speak in the way man would listen)

http://marital-communication.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_communicate_effectively_with_husbands

I don’t want a boyfriend..

It is now left 96 hours before I reach the age of 29, it’s a common question people around me ask “ when are you getting married?” or “ when is your turn?” on friends’ wedding dinner or even “ aren’t you worry if nobody marries you?”. Well, it’s a lie if I tell you I am not looking forward to meet my prince charming or my knight in the white horse or I’m not worry that I will live a single life forever. But what is it that I must get married, because everybody is doing so, or because everybody is doing so that I will have no more friends to hang out with or because I just need a husband no matter what.

I once discuss with Gloria, a friend that is my same age about how are we to survive without a boyfriend. Gloria proclaimed that she look forward a marriage as soon as possible, not because she feels lonely or she need some man to protect her, but it is the biological clock that is pressuring her to get a husband. True love can be found at any age, even when you are on your dying bed, but the fertility of a woman passes without you noticing you and once the clock stop clicking. Voila, you can’t bear children anymore. And I subscribe to the idea that no family is complete without a kid or two.

Gloria is a very domineering career women, she knows her business very well. In her scope of work, nobody can pick any mistakes made by her and nobody dares to challenge her in any extent. Normally people will just ring her department up and request for things to get done without saying thank you, but when it comes to her, people will actually have to lower their voice and politely ask “ Gloria, sorry to trouble you, but could you help me to do so and so?” in a shivering tone.

Hence, many men were intimidated by her, not to say to court her but even to be her friends alone. In a dining table, she does all the talking, the commenting, the teasing and the joking. Man comes into no use in front of her. Now you may think she is for sure not pretty that’s why nobody is attracted to her. She is petite, fair, have bright round eyes and she will shower you with tender loving care once you step into her “ fort of social distance”.

She once told me “We are not the leftover my dear, we are just too good that no man dares to approach us for they are not confident to handle us, they want woman that is easy to handle to fulfill their egoistic nature, and they want submissive woman that they can boss around so that they can be the head of the family. And one day I am sure that our Mr Right will knock on our door for only them knows the true values in us and to bring out the best in us” Though it is a little bit boastful ( just a little la), I do hope that one day my prince charming will come and bring me to the wonderland but not the grave of all love.

How man suffers from PMS

According to the wikipedia, Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is a collection of physical, psychological, and emotional symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle. While most women of child-bearing age have some premenstrual symptoms, women with PMS have symptoms of "sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life". Such symptoms are usually predictable and occur regularly during the two weeks prior to menses.

During this period of time, man on the other hand would become the victims of the following symptoms:

• Anxiety


• Aggression


• Depression


• Insomnia


• Joint or muscle pain


• Headache


• Fatigue


• Trouble concentrating


• Extreme tearfulness

Huh? Was there a typo mistake in the previous paragraph? Man would suffer or woman would suffer from “that time of the month again” symptoms? For man out there who has girlfriend or wife would understand, woman are not the only victim suffering from the PMS (some man called it Pre-Monster Stage, which match perfectly well, during this awful period their loving and caring would turn into hatred and wrath of fire ), hence they also become the second hand victim from the above.

Calvin was so frustrated when every month like clockwork, Jennifer come down with a strange collection of symptoms. She becomes extremely irritable, snapping at Calvin many times without the slightest provocation. One second ago, she was just complaining about how life is bored, and the next second she yelled at him and said “I hate you!” Calvin was stoned and wondering erm… what have I done wrong again this time? Is this for not making enough effort to make her life wonderful? Or just for not giving her the full attention she seeks for when she claims that she is now very depressed? He could never understand why Jennifer always trying to make his life difficult using the lousy PMS excuse.

Daniel on the other hand has done a full research on what is PMS and he fully understands that Rachel can’t control her emotions due to the hormone changes in her body. He could even work out the schedule in the calendar, yup, this is about time of the monster release again. Before the tantrum smack on his face, he would comfort Rachel by saying “ yes, I understand why you are sensitive and over emotional, if you feel better just by throwing the temper to me, I will surely bear with it, I want to go through this with you together” It works almost all the time that the fire in Rachel would put off at least half and she begin to gain consciousness again.

In the British court room, PMS has been widely used as a legal defense for crime since 1980s. Owen, an arsonist whose did the crime during PMS was free given expert opinion, Reynolds, who murdered her mother when suffering PMS and postnatal depression, was freed on appeal. A girl even ran her car into the boyfriend an killed him after a row with her boyfriend, the murder charge was reduced to manslaughter after the doctor testified that her blood sugar had fallen, causing a surge of adrenaline due to severe PMS and not eaten for nine hours.

So man why risk your life when PMS is a temporary condition and it will pass with time. Your girlfriend will likely be back to her normal self within a few days. Just have some patience, If she wants to be by herself, give her some space. If she wants to be with you a lot and is acting clingy, make sure that you are around for her. If she wants to talk, lend her an ear. If she seems like she wants a hug or a kiss, kindly oblige. Let her dictate the relationship during this time.