失眠的MP3

最近好像有些不寻常的事在生活中酝酿，已经好几个晚上没有睡好，虽然不是从前般的失眠，可是心里就恐惧，深怕恶梦又在延续。一般情况下无法入眠的日子我会开着MP3，全神专注在歌曲旋律，听着哼着直到慢慢睡着。。MP3有这么一个功能，就是在你设定的时间内没有动作就会自动关机，可是今天上午睡醒发现我的MP3瘫痪在地上，就快没电。奇怪？怎么昨晚没有自动关机呢？难道它也像我一样失眠了？

前一段阵子忧郁症的时候，我的MP3也同样患病。反正我每个睡不着个日子，它就没有关机，仿佛失去的这种功能，本来还以为是什么软件坏了，还是什么电线断了，差点要带它去看医生（不是啦，是去专店修理）。。后来因为心情极度低落，日子超级郁闷而把这事情忘了，在我病情完全回复的时候，发现咿，好像没事了喔，一切回复正常。。本来我还以为自己神经质，自己有病，又把MP3当成有病。今天上午看到它没电的时候，心里还真的有点寒。

上班的时候突然间觉得心律不定，总觉得好像是个不祥的预感，打了电话回家，打电话给最好的朋友，打电话给最老的朋友，各个都安然无恙啊。。到底是什么事？是我的忧郁症吗？还是实在太闲了？电话本过了一遍又一遍，发觉自己的朋友真的少的可怜，超过大半的联系竟然都是和工作有关人等。可以出来喝茶聊天的十个手指也。。唉，太多了五个手指都已经数清了！

天啊，为什么当初没有好好珍惜每个结识朋友的机会呢？从小到大就是个独行侠，不喜欢和别人同道，总觉得有人在身边叽哩咕噜的很烦，做什么事情都要征求团体意见，为了去哪吃啥都可以吵个半天搞不出结论，一个人直来直往不知道多輕松多自在。好了，好了，现在人老了，才知道出外靠朋友这个道理。像我这个年龄的朋友该结婚的都已经结婚，该生小孩的也生小孩，反正各自都有自己的生活，只有想我这种一事无成的人才会游手好闲，无所事事。

就在这个时候接到电话说我报名的某某课程这周末开班，到时候将有70多名新朋友参加，我心里兴奋了0。00001秒左右，后来就开始在发抖。兴奋的是终于找到好好的管道可以重新生活，扩展生活圈子，发抖的是又要在大家面前做自我介绍，最讨厌就是当大家眼光都集中在自己身上的那种感觉，非常别捏加尴尬，最讨厌向全世界透露我的真面目，非常没有安全感，让我自个儿过活不就好吗？干嘛要自找麻烦，自讨苦吃。唉。。女人，就是喜欢自相矛盾。

办公事敲诈事件

Barbara是个很讨人欢喜的女孩，刚认识她的时候，第一感觉就是个好老婆，好姐姐，好同学。眼睛圆圆大大，肤色白里透红，笑起来很缅甸。大学毕业没多久加入吉隆坡某某企业，外表看起来好像很风光，实际上就是所谓的包山包海，反正所有没有人处理，没有人愿意，没有人承担的工作最终都会落在她的肩膀。可能就是因为Barbara这种克苦耐劳的态度，加上打不死的精神，最近上司终于给她一个“名份”，加工资不在话说，最近还得了个最佳员工奖，奖金好像有几百块钱吧。

可是奖金还没有发下来，Barbara身边的部门同事已经为她安排好要怎么使用那笔钱，好像是他们整个部门获得奖金似的。首先有人建议要去附近的高级餐馆吃饭，一般来说这家餐馆一顿午餐每人花费要几十块钱， 1，2，3，4，5，6，7加上Barbara本人岂不是要花了奖金的一半？Barbara硬着头皮建议类似的餐馆，档次比较低，可是人人都觉得好味的那种，有个某某竟然嫌弃说太便宜，游说Barbara请他们卡拉OK吃饭，说这样的话大家才会尽兴。另一某某还让Barbara自己先掏钱请大家吃饭，不要等拿到奖金才吃。

哇，这个是什么道理啊？Barbara拿到奖金和某某的某某有什么关系啊？我不明白的是为什么最佳员工奖的奖金要整个部门硬硬把人家的钱给花光？是Barbara欠了他们？还是大家太过高兴失去了理智。以前大家部门有什么聚餐，礼品，奖金等等都因为Barbara是个外人而没有预留一份给她，现在Barbara刚正式加入就获奖，还要把大部份奖金和别人分享。现在只是听到Barbara的一面之辞，真的很希望其他部门同仁可以打开我的视野，看看他们眼里看到的是什么另一番道理。

后来想想可能是他们那个部门主管实在太烂，没有照顾好员工的福利，对员工没有一视同仁，造成很多人心里不平衡，觉得自己的付出没有得到对等的回报，所以现在一听到部门里头新来的Barbara奖金，心里更不是味道，决定非敲诈她不可，否则对不起自己。可是再想想每个人出来社会工作那会每一次都遇到好的公司好的上司，决定留不留，走不走只在一念之间，既然改变不了环境，自己就要适应环境。每天不断的抱怨只会把自己充满负能量，让别人敬而远之。

办公事总会有很多这样的人，每天无病呻吟，大事小事喧哗一番，说什么自己从来没有见过那么差劲的管理方式，那么无聊的申请流程，别人公司都是什么什么作风，怎么怎么分红。试问问自己， 如果外边真的那么好，为什么自己还留在这里？ 是因为自己资格不够不敢高攀，还是这里也有他的好，只是自己经常在埋怨而盲目了自己当初加入公司的原因。 It’s always greener on the other side， 现实不一定是这样完美，只要自己学好EQ管理，每天高兴面对繁琐工作，日子不会变得更轻松吗？

my super nanny (2)

It’s been some times since my boss assistant first arrived in our work place, he was doing alright since the emergency exit incident, except some grudges like “I really think you did not do a good job to welcome me and bring me around, I am disappointed with your hospitality” Well, even the country biggest boss comes also he does not required us to do such things, furthermore this is not the first time he works in overseas and why does he expects this special treatment from me?

I told him the way I see it is that he has made many friends and joined many leisure activities group, went to Genting 2 times within a month and lose some money (padan muka), he tactfully replied “That’s because you did not do your job so I have to live on my own and find my own friends and my own activities. Sometimes I so hate to go home after work because I can do nothing except to read novel. I wish to have more fun and more excitements in this new venture.” Oh poor thing, I almost see the tears dropping from his cheek..

There are times when we have heart to heart chat, to share his wife’s adventures to Europe, his cutie son’s learning to utter, his frustration in works, his personal investments and so on and so on like we are good old friends. He told me how is it like to be a father, to be in a management position and share many thoughts in his wide angle. Imagine he is only of my same age, but he has worked in various countries, held different positions, married with kid, somehow I admire him for being able to achieve so much in the same life span.

But today something bad triggered me to write about his scandal again..

It was after a dainty lunch with two fellow colleagues, I was all prepared to sit down in my place, put on the ear piece to listen to Gary’s album I just obtained, eat the juicy mango bought from the food stall. He came to me and said “ This and that project, we have to look into it as soon as possible because the regional head is very concern on the..” before he could even finish the sentence, I saw his hand approaching my ear piece left on the table and the grab it hard, grab it quick.

“NO!!!!” I nearly scream looking at him, he said “ I need it” and he ran into the room. How on earth does he need the ear piece during office hours to the extent that he has to rob it from me? What on earth could it be so urgent that you must listen to when he is alone in the room? Why can’t he just ask politely with or without giving any reason or make up a reason or anything more civilized? I cannot find myself any reason. Can you?

前度男友的现任女友的朋友

哈哈，标题有够复杂吧？就和Catherine现在的心情差不多。她简直觉得她的生命收到威胁，人生被敌人侵入，未来被黑暗弥蒙。坐在办公事浑身发痒，额头发烫，心律不定，好像提早下班躲在家里被窝，不让任何人见到她的存在。

今天下午吃饭的时候Catherine碰见公司另一栋楼的同事，其中Man的样子很熟悉，好像在那里见过，名字也好像之前听过，而且是她喜欢的名字，总觉得这名字很有型，很有男人味。以前Eason就有一个朋友叫Man，她总是想象这个人应该个字很高，样子很帅。

回到办公事同事说这人对Catherine的背景知道的很清楚，知道她前度男友工作的地方，出入的跑车，而且到处在打探她现在是否单身，男友是谁。同事看了前度男友现任女友Shirley的照片后还冒出一句可怕的话“这个女的，好像是Man的妹妹或表妹吧？我们见过的。。”

Man到底是何方神圣？居心何在？难道他真的是Shirley的哥？难道他就是Eason从未介绍给Catherine认识的死党？为什么他会加入同一间公司？为什么他会打探她的消息？他想知道些什么？他想向谁报告她的行踪？Catherine在想这是个陷阱？报复计划？还是真的偶遇？

她实在压抑不住心里的澎湃，找了Vince聊了两句。Vince一向来都对Eason有偏见，她觉得这个男人脑袋肯定有问题，竟然甩了个可爱动人的Catherine。 她一直很确定的告诉Catherine这个男人肯定有为他的愚蠢而后悔,劝告Catherine一定要过得比他好，让他知道不珍惜自己是他的损失。

Vince还像侦探般从每个蛛丝马迹判断，Man会不会是Eason现任女友Shirley说派来的间谍，害怕Catherine和Eason在同一大夏上班经常见面，可能有藕断丝联或者旧情复炽，派人过来监督。还说什么她看得出来Catherine没有完全放下这个男人，竟然对他一点恨意都没有，还为他维护Shirley说她不是坏女人，他们两人本来就是真心相爱的。

Catherine此刻竟然有一个很奇怪的念头，她是否应该表明自己已有很好的男朋友？她应该以高姿态的不败女郎出现？还是低调孤单的失恋者游行？她竟然还在意Eason对自己的看法，她竟然还没有准备好面对过去已久的恋情。。

领路的人

当我在迷惘的街道
寻找去崇拜的方向
手中只有一个地址
眼前有千万个出口

时间一分一秒在过
我怀疑是否能找到
他仿佛听到我呼唤
送我那个领路的人

就是手里拿着圣经
人群中那是我方向










过程中神父说的话
好像为我一个人说
这都是我心的疑惑
逐一逐一都被解开

每次神修复的时候
都比从前好多七倍
或是数量或是质量
这是全能神的恩典

我把自己交给上帝
他安排都是最好的

征婚启事 (二)

原来我被骗了！！Zeb本来就有女朋友，竟然感欺骗我的感情，让我到处为他注意有否适合的女孩子，原来他根本就有个缠绵浪漫温馨的女朋友。最近终于有机会到海外出差，不小心来到Zeb的所在地，到达之前他还满腹热心的为我安排节目，到那吃喝玩乐，整个专职导游的模样，还说要给我介绍个好男孩，结果。。让我看见他的真面目！

虽然认识Zeb不是很久，印象之中他就是一个非常悲观，生活非常苦闷的小孩，这次接触到的好像另外一个人似的，有一次我还正经八百的望着他问“你是我认识的Zeb吗？”现实中的他充满阳光，有他在的地方就有笑声，不一定是他说笑话，有可能他在被耻笑，反正我们一班女生都喜欢他在身边，都想给他找个女朋友。

也许是我笨蛋，那天晚上吃饭的时候我们想给他做媒，他虽然很圆滑的扯开这个话题，一直把他当成小孩的我竟然没有察觉到事情有跷蹊。直到有一天我拿着他新手机糊弄的时候不小心看到那个短信（请相信我真的是不小心看到的），我竟然有点想撞墙壁的感觉，我竟然被一个我认为年少无知的小男孩给骗了。

短信里写着“我好想念你温柔的拥抱”我本来心里在想真的是世风月下，小孩子也学人家谈恋爱，他们知道什么是恋爱吗？他们知道恋爱要付出什么代价吗？他们知道恋爱的意义？恋爱的后果？可是。。再想深一层，当初我也不是年纪小小就被爱情从昏了头脑吗？而且Zeb现在也已经不小，应该懂事，懂得分寸。是我一直把他当成小孩，可能在别人眼中他还是有几分男子气概的，至少我可以不用再帮他找老婆，嘿嘿。

各位亲爱的朋友，如有你们家里有女初成长，想要找个天真直率的男孩谈纯纯的恋爱。请不要拨之前那个电话号码。写了那个部落格以后还多朋友都要求我说“可以也帮我介绍吗？”，所以请尽快和我联系，我会认真安排的。曾经有朋友说无论如何我都不会去婚姻介绍所的，太丢脸了。难道为自己的未来而做一点点的努力都丢脸吗？我真搞不明白。。

will that day ever come? (part 4a)

Maybe some of you will be happy some of you will be not, but Ginny and Samuel finally break up. Ginny could not hold her tears when she heard how much efforts Samuel put in to the relationship and get nothing in return, for all this while she was the one thinking that she has already give in a lot. It suddenly rang a bell in her mind that maybe they were never in love, they were both looking for somebody to love them and they found exactly the wrong person.

She was not aware that all the small little things that she think a boyfriend should and would and be happy to do so are difficult chores for Samuel, she was not aware that Samuel was reading her diary and think that she was not considerate to put all the blame on him, she was not aware that Samuel think she does not appreciate his hard work. “Whether or not I pick you up from the airport and bring you out for dinner and send you home, it all comes to zero because I can never meet your expectations.”

Ginny was heart broken when she heard this, she cried like the first time she cried when Samuel confessed to her long time ago. That was the first time Samuel really moves her when he said “I will not want to hurt you in anyway, I have considered all the relevant factors and consequences and I want you to be happy to be with me” But now she is not sure who is hurting who but she feels suffocated thinking about how Samuel was not treated right by the one he loves

She does not know how bad will it hurts when all this gets over, she does not know how long will her heart burns when Samuel no longer hers, she does not even knows if she is doing the right thing but she could not bear seeing Samuel feeling helpless with the ever demanding girlfriend. She remembers he once told her “I want you to be happy, with or without me”. Ginny knows Samuel could do so, so she left him.

There were no fighting, there were no screaming, maybe they both know it is best for both of them, how else could a lover feel like stranger could get together, they could not even talk the same wave length, they could not even think the same channel, they could not even love the way the other person wants it to be.

They were both happier when they were not couples, maybe they were never meant to be. That’s all I could say as an outsider, time will tell if they are in love, if they love each other or they only love themselves.

will that one day ever come? (part 3)

There’s no news from Ginny for many days, she left the country for business trip which she thinks is absolutely just in time. She was amazed when Samuel came to her house the night before she left and said nothing about “the issue”. She was trying hard to stay cool and keep a distance to make her more secure from the harm.

Samuel thought he drove all the way to Ginny’s place and watched her packing and doing chores and get ready to bed without much words spoken. He thought he tried his best to “pujuk” her by lowering his voice, holding her close and hugging her tight. Yet Ginny was still angry and chose to ignore him.

Ginny thought he drove all the way to her place feeling so at home, Samuel was comfortably lying on her bed reading news online while she packed, he was talking to her like nothing happened yesterday, he was holding her close like he did every time when she was angry, he was hugging her tight to sleep when Ginny was weeping in the dark. Ginny was not angry at him, she was waiting for him to patch back and she was disappointed.

Ginny has not felt so lonely before, she thought they were living in the same space in different planet. Samuel looked at her and asked her not to cry, with no other words of comfort except “ I don’t like you to cry.” Gosh.. another bang on the head for Ginny.

Now that she can finally have some breath away from Samuel, she sees herself in a better picture. She was putting Samuel as the source of her happiness and her source of acknowledgement that she is good and loving girlfriend. She put too much hope on the blunt and naive boyfriend to flank her with sweet talk and fancy romantic acts for he was termed as hopelessly romantic once upon a time.

It has been 352 days since Ginny and Samuel first met, she could not believe a year has passed within blink of eyes, it was from hopeless romantic time to the hopeless time for romantic. She used to want a practical and realistic boyfriend yet realistic seems not practical to her now.

will that one day ever come? (part2)

There were times when Ginny woke up and think of Samuel the first thing, she thought it only happened when you are madly in love. This morning she wakes up and feels like the oxygen is not pumping in to the lung or the airway is blocked by concrete cements, she still think of Samuel but this time with pain and sorrow.

Ginny feels like she is living in her own tiny world with Samuel alone, she can’t talk to anybody about him, she can’t tell that she is upset over him, she can’t tell that she needs some advice or so. Everybody, literally everybody around her ask him to leave Samuel. If she ever has grudges on the relationship, they will just stare at her and say “see, that’s what you get when you don’t listen to us”.

She remember the time when she told one of her buddy about their relationship and the buddy confronted her “ don’t you have any better choice?” she did not argue with her for she thinks that she knows what she sees in Samuel and she needs not explain to anybody about it. At that point of time, she really thought she can spend the rest of her life with Samuel.

First thing that hit her mind was that will Samuel remember this when he wake up like me? Samuel always tells her that you forgive and forget for you do not keep grudges. But the problem now is not about forgive and forget, no one has done anything wrong in the relationship, but no one is going anywhere in the relationship either. She wishes somebody just tell her if she should go on and to u-turn.

Ginny tells herself that she must let go and not gets herself on the nerve with this man. Why did she allows Samuel to stir her emotion drastically only by words he did not mean it or words he did not aware he say it or words he did not remember how or why he said it. She very much wants to run away to clear her mind but she is afraid that Samuel will say she is just an ostrich hiding herself under the sand, she also afraid that Samuel will say she does not consider his feeling by asking for a break.

Why on earth does a girlfriend cares so much about what the boyfriend says and does not have her own stand? We’ll continue when I find out more...

Will that one day ever come? (part 1)

Today he said it out, “I don’t like you to push me, I’ll marry you when the time is right.” Ginny doesn’t know what does it means in the eye of a man, for there is a tremendous different of how man and woman interpret things they see, things they heard and things they think.

It’s not the first time that Ginny brought up the marriage issue in the past weeks, she feels insecure with the relationship when Samuel shows no intention to settle down with her in anyway. All this started with an incident last month...

There were hanging out in a shopping complex, Ginny went in to the boutique and Samuel to the sport shop, they meet in the concourse area and Samuel asked “So where have you been?” “I went to see the bridal fair on the other end?” Ginny answered happily after looking at the gorgeous photos and the gowns galore.

It hit her hard when Samuel replied “why do you so want to get married?” She doesn’t understand why her boyfriend said that to her, she thought he was not most inappropriate person in the whole universe to say this to her. She thought by saying so Samuel is clearly indicating that he has no intention whatsoever to marry her.

She did not confront Samuel right away, she kept it to herself and she was trying to convince herself that he does not mean what he said (like he used to before). Until there was this day she sat down with the mom and told her the incident, her mom was agitated for Samuel being so mean and inconsiderate to the girlfriend. She strongly advised her to reevaluate the relationship to see where it will bring them.

Ginie has not spoken to anyone else on this matter again because she is ashamed to be mocked by her own boyfriend like this. And with the response like this when she finally decided to speak up for herself, she just lost her way to convince herself that this man wants her in anyway…